hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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