Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
