Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You smell like a Billy Joel song
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
