I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
