the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize