remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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