ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
