Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
