I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
