She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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