If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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