Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
