i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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