I'm eating all of the evidence.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My vagina is officially offended.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
