Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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