We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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