HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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