you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
