dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
