Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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