I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
