better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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