Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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