I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
