just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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