I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
