you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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