just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
