1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
