i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
