why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
