it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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