Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
