I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he was CRYING into my vagina
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
