Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
