I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
