You can't special order awesome
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
