Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
