i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
