I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
