I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
