I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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