chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize