The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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