Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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