Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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