Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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