I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
