I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
