Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
