you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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