now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
