I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
