I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize