i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
