brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
