what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
