im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
