They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize