She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
