Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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