I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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