he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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