I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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