i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
