Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize