I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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