Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
