Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
