Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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