i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
